Rainbows and Lollipops

Sometimes I wonder how God could even want me on His team.  I am constantly questioning. So much that I often wonder how much I am actually hurting the team.  Perhaps if I stood on His Word a little bit better, believed and trusted more, I could have a better testimony or witness for team Jesus.  But I'm afraid I come across, especially in my expressing what's going on in my mind on my little blog here, as a bench warmer at best.

But I don't want to pretend. I'm always suspicious of Christians whose testimony seems to be all rainbows and lollipops. I wonder if I can ever get to that point of MY testimony being rainbows and lollipops.

I used to think it kinda was, but then things happened that totally threw me for a loop. And I question. Does living like that exist or are they not showing their true colors?  Is being a good team player mean hiding the questions and doubts and struggles you have in order to be a "good witness"?  Only talking about the good stuff?  Am I hurting the team and turning people away from team Jesus by admitting that I still can't seem to play the game right?

And don't think I don't know the rules to the game. I know it's about His Word.  I KNOW!

Victory. Victory in Jesus.  Is it possible?

Therefore, since we have a great high priest who has gone through the heavens, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold firmly to the faith we profess. For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are - yet was without sin. Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.  Heb 4:14-16 (NIV)

Lord Jesus, I want to know and live victory.