At 1:15 AM Everything In Me Screams Retreat

I was still lying awake at 1:15 am tonight with thoughts swirling through my mind, trying to force my eyes to stay shut, but ended up staring at all the LED lights that shine in our room from Austin's machines. Green, blue, red. We have them all. I try to cover as many as I can, but I usually miss a couple or they glow through the covering.

Maybe the thoughts are the result of the bowl of pasta I ate around 9:30 pm or the fact that I worked all day in the yard trimming trees so my sinuses are nice and clogged with allergies, and my eyes are constantly watering.

But, I'm awake. So I figured I might as well record my thoughts. The usual. Get them out of my head. Maybe I'll sort something out. Maybe I'll realize its all nothing. So here goes:

First, I learned something today. I learned I need to be more careful what I share and who I share with. I need to hold some things, the most important to me things, closer to my heart. Not everything needs to be "out there" especially when I feel like I'm in a state of transition, of learning, of just figuring things out.

I also learned that I read things differently. I hear things differently. I interpret things differently. And even though I can't pinpoint what that difference is, I just know that I'm getting a different message from everyone else. However, I do think the information I'm getting is in correlation with what I'm seeking. But it might not always be the message I think the author or speaker is intending. I know. It's weird. I'm probably doing it all wrong.

So it kind of hurts my heart to feel alone like this, but I also know I can't go any other direction right now. I just have to keep taking the steps in front of me. I don't know what to do with words that resonate with me especially when they seem to be in conflict with what I'm supposed to know or accept. They appear to be outside my box, yet they are so in my box right now.

So I'm at a crossroads. It originally felt like things in my world were expanding. People seemed to be responding positively to me, my words, to what I shared. And it's not that the reactions have changed. But all of a sudden, tonight, I feel like I need to reel it all back in. I need to diminish. I need to retreat, to hide.

Second, I agreed to sing at a church thing that is coming up. I was asked to sing a solo based on my singing at mom's memorial. So tonight, I'm lying here worrying I only said yes because my ego was riding high from all the compliments I got. And now I'm seriously nervous about people finding out the truth. That maybe I'm not as good as they thought. My ego has not let me back out of my commitment yet, but I'm considering it because, again, I just want to diminish, retreat and hide.

So, is it just the pasta that is making me feel this way? Is it the allergic reaction to the Mesquite tree?

Maybe I'll know more tomorrow. The day will come. The night won't be closing in around me. I'll eat more protein. Things will be clearer somehow. Or I'll feel brave again. And I'll either feel at peace with the level of openness and fearlessness I've allowed, or I won't and I'll have to figure out what to do about it.

And that's that.