As she walked into the pantry, she became aware of herself grinning. When did this happen? When did the "I feel sad" thoughts every hour, everyday shift into a dancing, grinning lunatic who is ok with life's stuff and ok to be alive?
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Typically when they were planning a trip, her first thought was to call the local non-profit nursing facility to see if she could sign up Austin for a stay. While this usually guaranteed less stress and more freedom on the trip, they were also limited to only seven nights at the facility.
Last summer, she decided she wanted to try an extended three week family vacation to the lake. This meant taking Austin with no nurses, no extra help. Just their family.
They loaded up the truck along with a special needs stroller and headed across the country on a 3 day road trip to their destination.
She was nervous and had packed as much as she could trying to anticipate anything that might be needed for Austin. It was exhausting trying to envision and plan for everything that might go wrong with a medically complex kid and then hope to be ready for it.
But they did it. She felt a little pride and excitement then that they could travel as a complete family and survive. Of course, there were a couple of road bumps like forgetting the small tanks of emergency oxygen, but they managed to make it work.
She began envisioning some kind of normalcy returning to her family.
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She lay on the beach like a starfish on its back with her eyes closed and her face towards the sky. She listened to the ocean waves pound the shore and paid attention to her breathing. She wiggled her toes and then her fingers. She noticed the bumps in the sand beneath the sheet the yoga instructor had given them.
She was glad she changed her initial no to a yes when her friend suggested a second, "Why don't you come?"
She was at the end of the class where they were supposed to try to have no thought. Just relaxation. Just experience. Just breathing.
She felt the drops first hit her nose and then her cheek. More followed on her right eyelid, her lower lip, her forehead. Eventually her state of no thought became lots of thought specifically about her tennis shoes next to her in the sand possibly getting wet. They were the only athletic shoes she had brought and nothing seemed to dry in the damp oceanside climate even inside.
She smiled and accepted how easily she could become distracted as she sat up and peeked at the instructor while discretely turning the tennis shoes upside down.
A couple seconds later the instructor ended her state of no thought and encouraged them to carefully sit up. She put her hands together in front of her heart, bowed slightly and said "namaste". They namastayed back, "the divine in me bows to the divine in you."
They all jumped up talking and giggling about the rain holding off until they were almost done. As they scurried off the beach, she said "see you tonight" to her friend and made her way down the beachside walk towards her room.
How different things seemed, she mused again as more rain came down. How light. How in-perspective. How...dare she think it...joyful. How did she rise from that place that was so dark for what seemed so long. It seemed miraculous.
Yet there she was, smiling in the rain.
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"And whether you believe in miracles or not, I can guarantee that you will experience one. It may not be the miracle you’ve prayed for. God probably won’t undo what’s been done. The miracle is this: that you will rise in the morning and be able to see again the startling beauty of the day." William Kent Krueger, Ordinary Grace
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