She's done this every single day since we arrived for the summer, but there is evidence (bird poop and window markings) that she may have been doing it ever since Spring began.
I've found a huge nest on the side of the house that I thought might be hers, but I haven't seen any activity there. It looks abandoned although I know its new since Christmas because I went around removing all the nests on the house at that time. If this is hers, then it's going to make me super sad that she can't find it. So I'm not going to think about that.
Lately, she usually has a cricket or bug in her mouth and I think she's getting thinner so she's obviously not looking to deposit eggs anymore. She's just not wanting "that other bird" she sees in the reflection to see where her nest is.
We call her Fat Bastard because she's...umm...fat, and...annoying.
(Plus my people and I think Austin Powers movies are funny.)
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They call themselves "Momma Bears", moms who feel a primal urge to go to drastic lengths to advocate for their kids. They take pride in the way they can scratch, bite, claw and growl their way to get what they deem their kid needs and deserves.
And special needs moms might be the biggest, baddest Momma Bears out there. They have a super power to be able to summon every ounce of energy from the god of special needs children in order to rain down hellfire and brimstone upon the unsuspecting insurance customer service agent or the slow night nurse on the 8th floor at the children's hospital.
Later if they win the scrap, they can brag and strut their special needs mom prowess. And if they are unfortunate enough to lose the battle, they can at least mourn and lament how hard they fought to try to get that certain thing that was going to be the be all and end all next step thing to fix their kid.
Either way, the praise or sympathy from other special needs moms can be worth the fight even if the goal won't do much to fix or improve their kid anyway. Those dope hits of support and affirmation are strong and addictive.
I should know. I used to try to be that kind of mom for Austin.
Until I decided I couldn't and maybe didn't need to.
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When we first arrived, I was sure Fat Bastard was needing to drop some eggs soon because she was so...umm...again...fat.
But I haven't been able to figure out exactly where her nest is located. She's either super good at being sneaky or she's brain challenged from banging on the windows and forgot where her nest is.
There's another nest where I've seen a smaller robin attending babies in a shrub outside a basement window, but I have not specifically seen Fat Bastard fly into it.
She does fly away into some of the tall shrubs closer to the lake when I tap on the glass after she's attacked it so I'm hoping she may be located there. Although that may be too obvious.
So why her obsession with our house? I can't figure that out. Maybe she's just attacking her reflection, fending off "another bird".
She's relentless, but she probably thinks "the other bird" is relentless too.
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The primal urge to advocate for, defend and protect a special needs kid does not come without a cost to the special needs mom. And unfortunately this cost is usually in the form of emotional and physical health as well as the potential breakdown or loss of important relationships.
For me the primal urge came from a sense of guilt, that my kid was special needs because of something I was responsible for whether environmentally or genetically. I chose to carry him and bring him into this world in an "imperfect" state. Therefore it fell on my shoulders to make sure he had every chance possible to get normal.
It was exhausting physically, draining emotionally, and creating rifts in my family relationships. I was always on edge, always looking for the next best therapy or cure. Always stressed about how to find it, travel to it, or pay for it. Always feeling guilty if something didn't work out. I was relentless.
I remember one day I threw the phone down on the floor in a crying, screaming rage after a medical supplier told me they couldn't provide the feeding pump I needed. I had already been ping-ponging between other suppliers because of our specific insurance mix. A supplier would take one but not the other, etc, etc.
That was one of my breaking points as I stood back in my minds eye watching myself cry and scream over a feeding pump. I knew then I couldn't continue living this self-imposed role of being a Momma Bear.
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Robins are fun to watch when feeding babies because they are very cautious and aware.
You stay as still as you can, but they still see you.
They will sit on a rock or limb (or deck railing) with a mouth full of bugs and take in their surroundings. When they are sure no one is watching or when they come to trust you, they will swoop into the nest and jamb their babies' mouths full of smooshed insects.
Probably once her babies fly away, she will stop attacking our house, and she will be at peace.
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In my special needs mom forums, I watch and read as other "fat bastards", I mean, Momma Bears still fight and scrape, cry and scream over trying to get what they want. I feel their pain, their struggle, their desires. It's still somewhere deep inside me, that tiny hope that I might stumble across that perfect cure someday for this or that.
But I don't let myself actively fight for most things anymore. If I have to make those hard phone calls or requests I try to stay calm and have a "what will be, will be" attitude. Doesn't always work and sometimes I forget, but I try. And I'm getting better at it with practice.
If I get a nurse scheduled? Great. If not? So be it.
If I get that piece of equipment? Great. If not? So be it.
If I find (and have the energy to try) a new therapy? Great. If not? So be it.
If I can get his seizures to finally stop? Great. If not? So be it.
And yes, I'm one of those special needs moms (are there very many of us?) who is ok just trying to keep my kid happy and content all day. I found it's the best way for us to survive these circumstances together.
You see, this "fat bastard" had to finally let guilt and expectations fly away to be at peace. And if I can do it, others can get to that point too.
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