Deodorant, Diet and Diety

Hello friends. Just thought I'd check in. 

I don't know if its spending three weeks in the arctic over winter solstice or eating too much bread and being on the verge of menopause, but my moods have been all over the place. Things got dark. And I don't just mean the amount of sunlight hours during the day. 

Around the beginning of October, I began making small lifestyle changes that I hoped would support my physical and mental health as I careen headlong into my second half century.

I've felt immense joy and surges of optimism within the last few weeks which I leaned into it for all it’s worth. You may have seen a few FB posts and creative spurts that came from that mood. 

But it did not last. At least not yet. I continue to have waves of sadness and anger (that I told you I'm not going to write about anymore). So I thought I'd list a couple of those lifestyle changes and see if I can restart the good time bus I was on.

ON DEODORANT

I stopped using anti-perspirant. 

I know. 

But the inter-webs said that aluminum and other heavy metals are not good for me so I'm opting to sweat profusely for the next 50 years. 

The first few weeks were tough. My particular concoction of sweat genes stink. And I mean, steee-eeenk. I don't know what voodoo-science aluminum is doing when it mixes with sweat to keep you dry and non-stinky, but it is magical. 

The non-anti-perspirant deodorants (i.e. non-aluminum) that claim to stop the stink...LIARS.

One brand hinted at what they were trying to accomplish, but my pits have stubbornly refused to comply. However, using their hint (sweat stinks when it mixes with bacteria on your skin), I started trying anti-bacterial or anti-septic products in conjunction with the deodorant, and thankfully, I believe I have things under control for the moment. 

Now, am I creating a super-stink bug because I'm killing off all my armpit skin bacteria? Would aluminum actually be the lesser of the two evils? Who knows, but at least at the moment I can be in the same room as my armpits without gagging. 

But because of the above two questions, this lifestyle change is still in the R&D phase. If you have found the ideal non-aluminum solution or data that says I don't have to give up aluminum in my armpits, please share!

ON DIET

I changed my diet. Yes, again...like we all do over and over. 

But this time, I actually stuck with it for like 7 weeks (!) until my sister-in-law brought homemade sourdough biscuits to Thanksgiving dinner. Sourdough is my kryptonite, and did you hear me when I said, THANKSGIVING. I gave myself permission to have ONE biscuit. This, of course, led to two biscuits, mashed potatoes, gravy, and two pieces of pie. 

That's ok. I forgave myself and got back on the wagon the next day. 

Then we had friends over for dinner, and I served them yeast rolls. I did awesome and stayed out of them until the next day when I devoured the rest "so they wouldn't go to waste". 

So I forgave myself again and restarted the diet. 

And then...Christmas cookies, an early Christmas Eve dinner consisting of lasagna, my sister-in-law's sourdough bread and her french bread loaf slit and slathered with garlic butter, homemade chocolate cake, etc...basically, diet? What diet?

But thankfully, the holidays with its traditions and temptations have finally come to an end. I plan to get back on that wagon...as soon as I finish this monkey-bread, the beef (and potato) stew leftovers, and all the snacks the big kids left in the wake of their visit.

Until then, I'm guess I'm vacation eating. No guilt, just momentary joy, followed by sugar crashes and mood swings. No big, right? Totally worth it.

ON DIETY

Fair warning. I'm about to confess and express some doubts here. I've done it before, so nothing new. But thought I'd be nice and warn you to stop reading now if this will be a problem for you.

Y'all know I’ve been on this journey of searching for who or what God is for a while now, even before Austin. (Austin just forced my hand towards taking the steps to really try to figure it out since my childhood conceptions and beliefs did not rise to the occasion when it came to the hardest things.)

At church through November, we sang "How He Loves" on Sunday mornings. It’s a familiar song for me and one I’ve written about before when I was in a very different head space (over 8 years ago if you can believe it.) 

It's a song that gut punches me every time I listen to it, sing along to it, belt it out Kim Walker style like it's my life's anthem (alone in the car, of course). And you'd say...well, Rachel, since it wrenches so much emotion from you, it's obviously from the Spirit. And I'd say...maybe.

Because I don't even know who "He" is anymore - like I was so sure I did when I was younger. I know the song is referring to a sovereign entity and the juxtaposition between "His" wrath and love - how it might be the same. But I still have a nebulous understanding of the who or what is the Christian triune God. And if you really want to know, I'm still angry with "Him". There I said it. Don't worry "He" knows. I told "Him" so yesterday. And the day before, and the day before that.

But it doesn't matter. I can apply this song to anyone who knows everything about me yet still extends grace, i.e husband or friend or family member to whom I've "mentioned it all" (that's a Bethenny/RHONY reference for my fellow sinners out there. Winky face.) 

These people are who this song is about right now and why I can still belt it out and get emotional doing it. They are the essence of a triune God, an essence I can see within many people around me, and not just the professing Christians. 

So what does that mean? Does it really matter if I understand exactly who God is? Who the Son is? Who the Spirit is? Is it ok to live in this space of uncertainty? Is it ok to live with mystery? Does God have to be a specific thing? Does Jesus have to have actually existed? Can they or the idea of them just be some kind of archetypal truths? Like is it ok if I say I believe the gist of it?

My Christian background says, no. I'm supposed to believe Jesus was an actual God-Man; and that God is an actual entity made up of three persons. But sometimes it just sounds like crazy talk to me. 

My Christian background tells me the Bible is true and, for the most part, even literal. Unfortunately the fact that any of it is literal is hard for me to believe now. I know what it’s like to write down a story about my very own first person experiences and have someone come along and say, no, you're wrong, it happened like this.... 

Who's right? We had the exact same experience, went through the same trauma, but came away with completely different memories of it, maybe a different order of events even, remembering only details that seemed important to each of us separately, but not necessarily important to both. 

I've learned my story is a story of impressions, not exact events. Same with your story. Same with all stories. You'll get the gist of the truth, not necessarily the facts.

So I almost prefer thinking of God as a mystery; something I can’t pin down. The truth is going to be "the truth" whether I believe or not, right? Truth does not need me to believe in it. It just is. So I guess, if I have faith in anything right now, it's that. Truth is truth. 

Growing up in the church means I never got that feeling of being called out of chaos. My life had always been fairly ordered. Chosen for me. Structured. Safe. Some would say I was blessed.

Well, I’ve been through chaos now. And now I'm waiting to see if Christianity is the answer or if it’s something else. Or if it's okay to understand Christianity in a different way and still be part of the Christian church and community. 

Will they love like a hurricane? Do they have grace like an ocean? 

Or is the answer just a lifestyle change? More whole foods and less heavy metals. We shall see....