Everything

 So funny story. And I know y'all aren't expecting me to say this, but...during this whole saga with Austin (and I know...it's not over yet), 

I DON'T THINK I'VE SPIRALED EMOTIONALLY.

I mean, I've shed tears here and there. But it's mostly been in relief of getting help or being heard. 

Like my voice cracked on the phone with the gal on the 911 call, but once EMT arrived, I felt like I could let go and everything was now out of my hands. 

And I shed a few tears last week reviewing all the events that ended with us here in PICU, wondering if I could have done anything differently, but I realized, based on what knowledge I had, I did everything I could - I tried everything in my power and did not give up until I had to. And when I did give up, we got here in time.

Or like the other day when the doc offered a potential solution to that very hard thing we deal with on a daily basis. Will it work? Who knows. But being heard was tear-worthy. 

But other than what I feel are justified tears, I have not gone down my normal dark mental path of "why me" or "will this ever end". 

I've been able to focus on keeping my vibration levels high, finding joy, looking around to see what's worthy of gratitude.

For example:

While Austin was vented, the overhead lights had to stay on all night. Normally this would be a source of annoyance, but I remembered my face mask can double as an eye mask. 

Eye masks are everything.

Also while Austin was vented, his door had to stay fully open for easy access. In the wee a.m. hours, a nurse got silly and laughter of co-workers got loud. I felt that urge to get become indignant and "don't they know we are exhausted and trying to sleep?" But all of a sudden it dawned on me that laughter vibrates at a high frequency, and Austin and I can benefit from that. So I let myself feel their joy. 

Laughter is everything.

We have a chair and a recliner in the room. The recliner folds out "flat" to serve as a bed (flat like your grandmother's old sleeper sofa with a 2" mattress). It took a few nights to adapt, but I've now accumulated enough pillows to smooth out most of the divets. 

Pillows are everything.

And I could go on...

Cleaning staff is everything.

Nurses are everything.

Quilts are everything.

Austin smiles are everything.

See? I don't know how to explain it, but it is so nice to not feel sad or angry. This is all so new. I hope it lasts.

P.S. A doctor on rounds found and gave me a real eye mask the night I had a migraine. So there's that too. 😊