Dear Austin: Puzzles and Lone Bees

Dear Austin, 

Where are you? 

I look for you in your day bed and in your night bed; you are not there. I look for you in my day dreams and in my night dreams; you are not there.

I hear the phantom alarm of your food pump; until I remember you are not here. I feel the jarring panic of needing to check on you; until I remember you are not here.

I’m already forgetting all the struggles of keeping you alive; how hard it was. I now only remember that you WERE alive; how good it was. 

Why did you leave me? Were you really done? Did I fail you this time? 

I thought I was so good at taking care of you; until I wasn’t.

They say pride goes before the fall. Was this the fall?

______________

Your life was a puzzle; it’s fragments on the table in a pile of chaos. 

Slowly we began to find the edges; to create and know the boundaries of what we had to work with.

At first we worked frantically and in a hurry. It felt like we were racing against time. We wanted a quick and perfect outcome.

And gradually the pieces sorted into some kind of order that we felt we could control and start to see the big picture. 

Like looking at the photo on the puzzle box we looked to research and other parents stories for guidance; trying to find clues and solutions as quickly and accurately as possible. 

But as the years went by we eventually learned to slow down and enjoy the process of working the puzzle rather than trying to complete the puzzle. 

We took our time just looking for the next piece that would fit exactly next to the one we just played. We stopped looking at the big picture and were satisfied with just the next solution.

Sometimes frustratingly, we tried pieces that didn’t fit; but when we found one that did; oh, that’s when we got a thrill, and we felt the satisfaction and hope to keep going.

Until the moment that last piece was assembled. 

Then all we can do is stand back and take in the full picture and completeness of the puzzle. There are no more pieces to be added.

There’s always a few days after a puzzle is completed that you want to leave it on the table;  to admire your work and what you went through to get there. 

This is were I am living. At the point of realizing the puzzle has been completed; but not wanting to crumble it up and put it back in the box, yet. 

I wish there were more pieces left to be played.

______________

Where are you, Austin?

Right after you left us, for several days I searched for you in nature. 

I asked you to come back to me; to assure me you are ok. 

I had three experiences with a lone bee. It was relatively cold outside so I was surprised to see a bee. But is was sunny, too.

The first time the lone bee hovered right in my face as if it wanted to look me in the eye. I startled and instinctively waved a hand to shoo it away. Only seconds afterward, I wondered if that bee was from you.

The second time a lone bee hovered around my arms. This time I controlled myself better so I could watch it. I still think I flinched too much so it couldn’t land.

The third time the lone bee landed on top of the backyard wall close to where I was standing near my roses. It sat there while we observed each other. It soon went on its way.

I will continue to look for you in lone bees.