Dear Austin: Why Now?

Dear Austin, Where are you?

Maybe it’s because I loaded 2000 photos of you onto a digital frame; maybe its because the frame cycles through all the photos every 2-3 hours; maybe it’s because I see your whole life literally flash before my eyes throughout the day, but I can’t get past that you were here, you existed in physical form, and now you don’t. 

You’re now just a memory I’m desperately trying to hold on to.

————-

I’m reading a book that I’ve already decided I’m going to need to read again with a pen in hand.

Perhaps it’s because your leaving is still so fresh that any book speaking about Christ mysteries would resonate with me; or perhaps the author’s words feel like they confirm my own learned experience with you. Whatever it is, I feel throat tightening, nose tingling, eye watering symptoms as my head and heart nod in agreement.

And as I’m reading, the familiar truth “with great love comes great suffering; with great suffering comes great love” hovers within my little brain, and lands within my little soul. 

A mystery now known.

———————

The questions linger. It took me so long to come to terms with how to care for you, how to love you; to be at peace with our life situation; to embrace the adventure. 

So why now? Why did you leave after it seems like I finally figured it out? We only had one clear year of acceptance out of almost 13!

I wanted more. I needed more. I wasn’t done. I had so many plans to make up for lost time; but time ran out.

At moments in my deep sorrow while gazing at your beautiful little face in the photo frame, I can feel you say what I don’t want to hear:

“Its ok, momma. I taught you how to love. Now go love others; go love God.”