Hope

Now see, so far today I feel like I'm on the downhill side of a lot of these ugly feelings. Like things are going to get better.  Is it the sun shining outside that causes this? Did I eat differently yesterday? Did the baby not puke today (actually he did, but not very much)? In my half-assed attempt to stand on the Word and trust God, did something finally click with me?  Did I get an extra dose of peace this morning b/c God feels sorry for me?

Is this hope?

Special Needs Forums

The special needs forums and Facebook groups try to build us mom's up by constantly telling us how special we are. That we are hardworking, tenacious, advocates for our little ones.

Unfortunately, I know better.  I'm not like a lot of other special needs moms. I don't see how they find the time and energy for anything beyond taking basic care of the child/ren. I have probably the minimal amount of therapists involved, and I try to avoid the doctors if possible. I hate paperwork and phone calls. I'm not trying to start any support groups or foundations to bring awareness and acceptance to my child's disabilities. I'm just trying to survive the day to day and keep him alive and happy.

So when I read those little quips? I just end up feeling guilty.

Peace

I have virtually nothing in my head to unload right now. Nothing majorly traumatic has happened in the last few days, nothing that has gotten my emotions in an uproar.

Is this what peace is?

Tired of Me

Selfish life. Selfish thoughts. Story of me.

I get on here to unload all the awful thoughts going through my head, and then I just end up sitting here feeling guilty and unable to confess them.  It's too embarrassing. The things that go through my head.  The things I know I should be believing and thinking vs. the things I actually think.  I wake up everyday day praying for a new outlook, praying and expecting healing and progress - for my thoughts and the baby.  But it doesn't take two minutes of just listening to the things around me, specifically when the baby is struggling, to bring me back to "earth".  I am starting to hate earth.  I must be one of the weakest humans because it's too hard for me.  I'm tired of crying everyday. I'm tired of sickness and disabilities.  I'm tired of therapists and doctors.  I'm tired of other people's pity.  I'm tired of me.

I'm tired of when I'm in the midst of my pity party, the baby will laugh at something and make me feel even more guilty.