Ever since school started back up, Austin has been "sort of sick". Not sick like with a real diagnosis, but stuff like really thick secretions that caused more reflux, vomiting and aspirations; an ER visit for aspiration pneumonia that led to the discovery of electrolyte imbalances as well as a major constipation issue. And now that he's been discharged, this weird dependence on a whiff of oxygen.
All of which has been mostly managed and is under control now.
Sort of. We have to consider me in the equation. And I've observed that I'm pretty good at caregiving when Austin and I are both well. I can be happy and make it look like its no big deal. Because when we both feel good, it isn't a big deal.
However, this last month I had a flu type thing for a few days that had lingering symptoms of fatigue, migraines, and respiratory issues. So caregiving is apparently not my thing when I'm sick or too tired, or worse yet, both. And I have been both this last month.
Even so, I feel like for the most part, I had been managing myself pretty well through it which is an ongoing process of trying to keep my headspace right: remembering the big picture and that this is an adventure worth pursuing.
But these last two weeks, especially with the added challenge of traveling across the country with a kid just out of the hospital and still on oxygen (yes, a choice we made to continue living life as normal as possible), I've had to fight hard against the spiraling thoughts that take me where I don't want to go.
One night I almost didn't win that fight. I got to the point where I felt I absolutely needed to exit. I was so tired and angry and frustrated. It took every ounce of will power to control my actions, and it really scared me.
And I'm not sure what I need to do about it because like today, most days are fine.
So what can I do when I'm sick and/or too tired? Should I tell someone at the time when I feel this way?
Obviously I'm not talking about my sick and tired days when I do have help, i.e. husband, nurse, older kids. Those days that are a little easier assuming they actually don't need my help for anything.
But since we don't have a regular nurse, a fill-in isn't much help since they always have too many questions, I feel like it would be easier to do it myself without them there since I'm having to get up and show them anyway.
And while my full-time working husband doesn't have too many questions, I feel guilty asking him for help on his time off or leaving all caregiving to him because he is working full-time and already helping with caregiving.
So I don't know where this leaves me except sitting here writing about it and trying to make a better plan - like don't get sick and/or too tired.
Seems like an easy answer. Right?
Oh, and Happy 9th Birthday, Austin.
