The following night she found herself curled up on the couch, crying into her husbands arms, second guessing all of her heroic thoughts from the night before. Fear of the unknown dominated her mind.
She remembers details like the overhead ceiling fan light being on and seeming too bright, the sage green of the carpet, the floral pattern on the couch cushions. She also remembers her oldest son descending down the stairs. With each step he was telling her that he had prayed and it was going to be alright. He was convinced it would be. And that the baby would live.
In the simplest way they could, they had told their kids about their unborn baby's deformities and brain malformation, preparing them for the worst possible outcome. So at the time, these words coming from her now eleven year old washed over her with assurance and comfort. She so wanted those words to be true. She wanted her son to experience positive results of a childlike faith even though she secretly feared her he would be let down and challenged in his faith at what she considered too young an age.
But she let him keep speaking, keep assuring, keep being positive. What else could she do, but grasp onto those words coming unprompted from a child and hope they were truly inspired by God? Even if they weren't, she thought often throughout the rest of the pregnancy about his willingness to lay it all on the line and declare his faith as a result of having no previous experience of doubt or disappointment to cause him to do otherwise. Oh to think and trust like a child again.
So whether they were inspired or not, she took those words from this child and held on tight. Whenever she doubted, she thought of him coming down those stairs full of intentions to comfort and care for her. She's not sure he ever knew or even knows now how much he confirmed her decision to continue the pregnancy, come what may.
Facebook status, Sept. 9th, 2010: “We are overwhelmed by the wisdom and faith God has given our kids right now. The things they are saying about their little brother and our circumstances can only come from one Spirit. We can certainly feel the prayers of the People right now. Thank you.”
Facebook status, Sept. 9th, 2010: “We let the kids pick their little brother's name today: His name is Austin Chase HagEstad! Michael chose Austin "b/c that's a cool name and cool people have the name Austin." Jonathan chose Chase after Chase Reynolds who plays for the Griz "b/c mom, when he is a big man, and if he plays NFL football he will need a football name!’ “.
Speaking of childlike faith, that second son soon to turn 9, brought a brief moment of innocent levity by wanting to give his baby brother a "football name" as if there was no doubt there could be a chance. She was later told about one of his prayer requests during classroom devotions at school, that his friends should pray for his little brother because his leg was on backwards! She was told he figured he could at least be some kind of cool kicker.
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| Austin's short leg and club foot ("leg on backwards") |
