I'm often admonished to be brave and pray; talk to God and that God is listening. After writing this post, I realize it comes across a bit negative about prayer, but I assure you its not. I'm at a good place on this subject now. Just read to the end.I don't really like to talk about prayer. It's changed for me. A lot. I know I don't think about it the same way as I did before Austin. I've learned that its not a way to get what I want, magic words repeated over and over again that will somehow convince the Big Genie In The Sky to grant me my wishes if I say them in just the right way and with just the right earnest heart. I know its not a way that God proves "he's got my back."
I do still express needs and wants, however, out of habit and with just as much desire, but now with no supernatural expectations: "Please, Jesus, help me..." or "Please, Jesus, help him/her...." They are just generic phrases that really mean nothing to me except to announce to the universe what I want so I'm not holding it inside. It's not prayer as I used to think of prayer. They are just expressions of my hopes of what I'd really like to happen.
And I don't really like participating in group or corporate prayer that much either. I had so much resentment towards God not "answering" when I was doing all the "right" things, that I don't like to pray that way anymore, especially not in church. I keep my eyes open. If I close them, they tear up as I listen to the list of needs and wants being announced, feeling these are just words, a list of demands, not any kind of communion. And just because the prayer ends with something like "but let your will be done", I know that was not the intent of the prayer in the first place, otherwise why even present a list? The true magic words "in Jesus name" are said in hopes of getting the results. The preacher or the congregants want something specific.
The good thing, recently though, is that I'm not quite as negative about corporate prayer anymore. I let it happen because that's what people seem to need. I just don't really participate. I just watch and observe wondering if that's what everyone else is doing too.
When I've had to pray out loud for someone in a small group setting or when my mom asks me to pray for her one on one. I panic at first. I know what they want from me. A prayer that requests a list for specific things to happen. And a prayer that sets up an expectation that could lead to disappointment if not fulfilled to their satisfaction.
In those circumstances, I find myself being very vague in my request during prayer and mostly saying things like "I pray for acceptance, peace and contentment" because that is one "prayer" I can pray and mean. And it's one that puts some of the burden on the requester to seek those things themselves instead of just waiting on the material miracle. It eliminates disappointment because it is achievable. At least in my mind.
It seems like if you accept your current life situation, you would find there is nothing to ask for in prayer because you aren’t trying to change your circumstances at that moment. Instead prayer becomes less talking and more listening, more silence, more stillness, waiting for the next step and surrendering into it.
I've come to find that the purpose of prayer for me is to seek oneness with God, the logos, the image I reflect, the vine I am a part of, the Christ that is with me and lives in and through me. It's to commune with His essence. It's listening in the silence (hello "quiet time"). It's meditating on the stillness. It's seeking truth. It's breathing in and breathing out. It's sensing the Spirit. It's knowing. It's feeling alive. It's feeling peace. It's acceptance. It's surrender.
Prayer to me is less about God listening and more about me listening. And that is how I pray right now.
