I am mostly at peace. I say "mostly" because, duh, I'm human and humans are reactive, emotional, and thought-ridden. But if I'm not at peace, I know how to get back to it. I know how to work on it and towards it. I feel I'm finally aware of what "born again" means. A glimpse, an opening, a doorway, a breath, a release, surrender. Things in my life have not necessarily changed, but my perception has.In the spring of 2016 (as best I can tell based on my blog posts, i.e. Fighting For Peace) while I was still struggling (and praying and begging God for help) to overcome the effects of my grief (overwhelming disappointment, depression, anger, rebellion) due to my “life situation” (caring for a medically complex child, unrealized expectations), my "you know I'm almost 80 years old" aunt (as she refers to herself), with whom I had recently reconnected, asked if I had read “The Power of Now” by Eckart Tolle.
So I read it (listened to it) which led to my reading (listening to) his second book “A New Earth” (which led to me listening to and reading them repeatedly over the last two years plus his selection books "Oneness With All Life" and "Stillness Speaks".)
Now I know what some of my Christian friends and family may be thinking, “Holy cow, the girl is reading and listening to new age heresy!” which is why I've been reluctant to talk about this outright before now. Don't worry, I haven't denounced "the faith", however, why should I keep a secret part of the reason I'm able to live again?
Obviously I read the books through the lens of Christianity. I mean, I've been a "born again" Christian since childhood, heard the teaching twice on Sunday and once on Wednesdays from the time I was born until I left for college. And even in college and beyond, I've done a pretty good job at making it to "Bible" studies and Sunday morning services, including serving in all the various capacities church membership entails.
But over the years, and specifically since Austin (and researching his brain, how fragile a brain is, how brains work, how it can change, the chemicals, structures, thoughts), I’ve experienced doubt and questions about some of what I’d been taught about God and the Bible. Yep. You heard me. I don't have child-like faith. This has led me to take Christian author's interpretations and Sunday morning sermons with a grain of salt, always filtering and searching for the nugget of actual truth.
So for me, it’s easy to read secular books in the same way - in fact, I feel like I've always read secular books that way. I filter and search for the nuggets of truth no matter what the genre, and I take in everything with a grain of salt. Because if there's One God, One Divinity, (shall I dare to go so far to say, One Consciousness?), then there is one Truth. And won't It (whatever It is) reveal itself within me no matter the source? For aren't we all created in One Image? If we seek, will we not find? Won't the rocks cry out? Hasn't God/Truth been revealed to us since the beginning through creation? The Word spoken and manifested? I could go on...
And so I've been open to consider everything that comes my way. Especially "accidental or coincidental" things that enter my path that I was not actively searching for or seeking (besides searching and seeking the Truth.) And I don't have to fear anything that comes my way because the One Spirit is not a spirit of fear.
Which brings me back to my aunt and those books I mentioned above. While I wouldn't say they paint the whole picture of how I overcame my funk (there were many other factors including blogging, other books, counseling, husband, kids), I would definitely say both my aunt and the ideas in the books played an extremely large part (as in a profound turning point) and still do.
So I wonder: Why couldn't I get this same result with my Christian background and all the knowledge that entailed? Why couldn't I find peace? Why was I drawn to reconnect with this family member who became my therapist, my confidant, my best friend? Why was I able to be open with her and how did she have the capacity to give me space, to listen without giving advice? Why did it take the way that author phrases things for me to finally begin to heal, "to see the light"? Why did it take this particular perspective and vocabulary? Why...?
Well...I have ideas. But they are just ideas. So I'll just leave you wondering, too. :)
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