Dear Austin, It's been four months.
It feels like your life has been reduced to a story; photos in a frame; words on paper; fading memories in your loved ones minds; crushed bones in an urn; your life energy released back into the universe, back to the Divine Source, back to God.
I wish I could snuggle you again.
You weren't a fan of being held in a lap; it was hard for you to breathe easily and get comfortable because of your twisted, awkward body.
But you didn't mind a big hug while you were lying on your side; I'd bend over and wrap you in my arms and press my cheek to your cheek, feeling your smile when your cheek squished up and pressed back to my cheek in return.
If I made sure to slide an arm within your arms, you would pull tight; exerting a hug like pressure back to me. There were times I became very uncomfortable in that bent position; not wanting to move until you let go.
Those who know me through my writing, know that I've struggled trying to figure out how to "Love God". I'm always thinking about it, trying to sort it out in my head.
Which is the problem.
I'm always trying to use my mind to define God as something concrete rather than the more nebulous Divine Source/Love Energy/Christ Mystery that "He" is.
But since we are human and need to experience the concrete to understand the indefinable, the mystery-unveiled probably lives in the other half of that teaching, "Love Others".
I loved God when I loved Austin.
I held and snuggled God; and God hugged and smiled back, cheek to cheek.
