The neighborhood is buzzing with chainsaws as folks cut up and remove tree-victims of last night's storm. She gives a cursory glance out the front and back doors. She doesn't see any downed trees of her own, only patio furniture tossed around the yard and at the bottom of the pool. A Texas Sage shrub is holding a chair in its branches.
She feels some relief that she can put off the yard clean up, sit down, read, drink coffee, and write, while waiting for Austin to declare he's ready to be up.
About a month ago she told you about a downward spiral she felt her moods and thoughts were heading, and what she was going to do about it.
So she did it. She re-read some books. She listened to the podcasts that resonated with her the most. She immersed herself in where she found salvation before.
And now she can feel the lightness and love of living again.
She knows she can be free of the mental suffering brought on by her habit of reliving past stories or creating future stories as long as she can remember to bring awareness to the present moment. The past holds stories that don't exist anymore and the future holds stories that will never exist as she imagines. The only thing that truly exists is this present moment, what Tolle calls the "Now."
But knowing and doing are two different things.
(And speaking of this Now present moment, Austin is howling about being aware of not being asleep anymore....)
ON WRITING ABOUT DOWNWARD SPIRALS
Last week her aunt texted and mentioned that she (her aunt) had read her blog post. She asked her aunt which one because it had been awhile since she had posted, and her aunt said the last one, and she said, oh, she thought she (her aunt) had read it already, and her aunt said, "No. I have read similar, but not that one, I don’t think...."
And that jarred her. Like stop dead in her tracks kind of jarring. Her aunt's comment woke her to the realization that she needs/wants to be done writing about her downward spirals. Done with complaining about her life situation. Done with the public wallowing. She's been there done that. Over and over. She just needs to be done.
So she has decided she'd like to write about more positive things. Like the recent times she recognized the downward spiraling thoughts and feelings, but instead of wallowing in them for days on end, she acknowledged their appearance and then watched them go on their way. She overcame them by not making them her identity. She wasn't the victim. She was the hero.
THE ONE THING (AGAIN)
A couple nights ago, she was home alone while her husband was working late. Austin did the One Thing: his coughing and choking and puking thing. As she stood over him to suction and clean up, she could hear and feel her typical thoughts and emotions rising.
But then all of a sudden, she felt in her inmost being, "Oh, this is when you usually start getting really upset. You think about all the other times this has happened, how gross it is, how unfair it is that it happens to Austin and also to you, how much you hate it, how other people don't have to deal with this, how this will never end, how you will potentially be doing this clean up for years to come, how you will have to do this into your old age when you will be frail and possibly physically in pain, how if you die someone else will be burdened by this, etc., etc...", and then her inmost being said, "But look, you know you don't have to go through those mental gymnastics. None of those things are happening right now. Your mind is creating the suffering you imagine. The only thing that needs to happen right now is the action of cleaning up, the emotion of loving Austin's inmost being, the feeling of compassion as you get the privilege of helping him when he cannot help himself.
The only thing that needs to happen is staying present in this moment and to do what needs to be done."
So, that's what she did. And the stress and anxiety, the suffering, vanished. She cleaned him up. She cleaned his bed up. When a thought regarding the past or future tried to interrupt, she took a breath in and out, watching the action from inside herself as the breath passed over her throat and out her nostrils. And she continued helping Austin. This is the practice she has been learning. And for this one little time, she did it. And if she can do it once, she can do it again. This is why she says she is done spiraling.
She can only hope. She can only practice. And as they say, practice makes perfect.
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Just curious, when you feel yourself being taken over by a downward spiral, do you have a practice or something you do to wake yourself out of the trance of those negative thoughts and emotions?
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"Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Today has enough trouble of its own." Matthew 6:34
"As soon as you honor the present moment, all unhappiness and struggle dissolve, and life begins to flow with joy and ease. When you act out the present-moment awareness, whatever you do becomes imbued with a sense of quality, care, and love – even the most simple action." Eckart Tolle
"By changing what you cling to in the present, you can alter the future." Jordan B. Peterson
