I hate my sad, angry, fearful emotions. They deceive me and testify against me. My circumstances are not even a factor when they decide to erupt. They play upon my weaknesses, my mind, my heart.
What I felt yesterday was genuine. And real. Yet not real. Sometimes I wonder what reality is.
Wednesday, April 30, 2014
Tuesday, April 29, 2014
The Raging Battle
So here I am again. Full circle of emotions.
I often wonder if my life from the outside looks relatively perfect. I have the perfect husband, provider, always attentive, always trying to meet my needs, an awesome father to my children. I have wonderful children, on their way to independence, believing that there are no limits to doing what they want to do, faith in the good in this world, trusting God. My youngest child, while engulfed in multiple disabilities, is loved, cared for, supported by family, friends, and strangers, and appears content and happy. I have a life I believe people might envy.
Yet.
My heart and mind rage a battle against me. I'm currently tormented by feelings of suffocation, being controlled by others, wanting to run, wanting out. Conforming to rules, the resentment, the fear of losing what I have vs. the desire to chuck it all. The freedom I long for seems out of my reach again. My soul screams while I smile and go through the motions, afraid of hurting my family or friends if I accidentally give myself away by a look or an action unfiltered.
I miss lightheartedness. I miss happiness. I miss joy. I've had them at times which is why I can miss them, they seem forever fleeting, always teasing me that I have found them again, only to disappear into the night. I feel guilt when my beautiful family surrounds me with all the good they have to offer, and I want to run away to breathe. I don't understand my thoughts, why they take me to dark places. I hurt, but I don't want to inflict hurt, and yet I do anyway, because I hurt and can't explain it or lay blame. So others assume the blame. And then they hurt.
I feel life is a cruel joke sometimes. I've prayed. I've yearned. I've longed for. I don't understand the will power people have to keep going when faced with adversity. It is not my nature. I hide. I cry. I flee. I want escape.
So the battle rages. Because I won't leave. I won't run. I won't ditch security. I have always clung to logic and reason in the end. But my stomach will churn. My head will ache. My body will feel restrictions. My smile will be forced.
Until the next stalemate. The lull in the battle. When my soul has rest.
Hear my prayer, Lord;
let my cry for help come to you.
Do not hide your face from me
when I am in distress.
Turn your ear to me;
when I call, answer me quickly.
Psalm 102:1-2
I often wonder if my life from the outside looks relatively perfect. I have the perfect husband, provider, always attentive, always trying to meet my needs, an awesome father to my children. I have wonderful children, on their way to independence, believing that there are no limits to doing what they want to do, faith in the good in this world, trusting God. My youngest child, while engulfed in multiple disabilities, is loved, cared for, supported by family, friends, and strangers, and appears content and happy. I have a life I believe people might envy.
Yet.
My heart and mind rage a battle against me. I'm currently tormented by feelings of suffocation, being controlled by others, wanting to run, wanting out. Conforming to rules, the resentment, the fear of losing what I have vs. the desire to chuck it all. The freedom I long for seems out of my reach again. My soul screams while I smile and go through the motions, afraid of hurting my family or friends if I accidentally give myself away by a look or an action unfiltered.
I miss lightheartedness. I miss happiness. I miss joy. I've had them at times which is why I can miss them, they seem forever fleeting, always teasing me that I have found them again, only to disappear into the night. I feel guilt when my beautiful family surrounds me with all the good they have to offer, and I want to run away to breathe. I don't understand my thoughts, why they take me to dark places. I hurt, but I don't want to inflict hurt, and yet I do anyway, because I hurt and can't explain it or lay blame. So others assume the blame. And then they hurt.
I feel life is a cruel joke sometimes. I've prayed. I've yearned. I've longed for. I don't understand the will power people have to keep going when faced with adversity. It is not my nature. I hide. I cry. I flee. I want escape.
So the battle rages. Because I won't leave. I won't run. I won't ditch security. I have always clung to logic and reason in the end. But my stomach will churn. My head will ache. My body will feel restrictions. My smile will be forced.
Until the next stalemate. The lull in the battle. When my soul has rest.
Hear my prayer, Lord;
let my cry for help come to you.
Do not hide your face from me
when I am in distress.
Turn your ear to me;
when I call, answer me quickly.
Psalm 102:1-2
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