Anxiety induced tears washed over her along with the water from the shower head, both flooding her face. She sobbed silently at the shower tile, letting the hot water flow down her body taking the unwanted emotion with it. Down, down. Washing it down; into the drain; into the hidden depths where it belonged.
As a child and somewhat into young adulthood, she endured excruciating shyness and anxiety over being around others, but at the same time she wanted to be around others. This anxiety made her feel like she was always on the fringe of groups, never a member of the group; she was only invited bc she was friends with someone who was invited.
Her shyness and anxiety forced her to keep to herself mostly, finding friendships in books and music, avoiding looking people in the eye. She watched other girls; tried to emulate what she thought others liked about them; attempted to be what she thought others might want her to be; fighting against thoughts in her head and her own instincts.
But there was just something about her that seemed to keep her from being chosen. The younger years of childhood were spent thinking it was her looks that kept people at bay. She felt quite ugly growing up. In her 4th grade school photo, she thought she looked like her Uncle Billy. Which would be fine if she were a boy. (She had thought at the time he was pretty good-looking. She may have even had a childhood crush on the youngest of her uncles). However, girl-uncle Billy was not very appealing to her.
However, as she grew into her teens and especially young adulthood, she recognized she had a personality quirk; she was a melancholic, introvert.
“Who should we call to hang out with? Oh I know! That super sad, shy girl. She’ll be fun!”
She just wanted to be fun; to be liked; to be wanted. She yearned to be part of a group. And while she was lucky to usually have a best friend that tolerated her, she wanted best friend-s. A group that wanted her even if her best friend wasn’t there. She envied those who had the natural gift to attract a group.
(Now looking back from a 50+ years, middle aged perspective, she can see periods of her life where she WAS part of a group, maybe not necessarily just a plus one.)
But today she is a child again feeling the old feelings. The sense of wanting what might not be had. She thought she’d outgrown all that. She thought she had hardened her heart and convinced herself that she doesn’t need a group anymore; she doesn’t need a best friend even. She has her husband. She has her kids. She has her extended family. It is enough.
Until…she puts herself out there and invites a couple of old friends to meet up. She also has plans to meet up with coworkers she is just getting to know as peers instead of the bosses wife. It is too much for a sad, introvert.
Thank goodness for septic tanks.
