It’s been 5 months.
This last month was the hardest yet. I feel like I cry everyday.
Sometimes sobs just bubble up out of me with no warning; sometimes they are preceded by a glance at a photo, a walk past your day room, or a strong memory.
I miss you so much.
I thought I knew grief. I did not. I thought all grief is the same. It is not.
I now think grief due to unrealized expectations is different from grief due to loss. Not harder, not easier, just different.
I mean, loss includes unrealized expectations. I expected you to keep on living. I expected your care to continue to consume my life. I expected you might outlive me. I expected to see your smile every morning, and hear your coos and chirps throughout the day.
But loss is also final; there are no more unrealized expectations. There’s just an end. A hole in my soul. A gap in my routine. A missing thread.
A screaming silence.
