Working Out My Salvation #3: Life Verses, A Bigger Vocabulary, and Different Perspectives

As she transitioned into adulthood, the phrase Life Verse (or Verses) began to show up in Christian conversation, from the pulpit, or in texts that she'd read. It always made her feel uncomfortable, guilty, or shamed because she couldn't think of one verse she could call a Life Verse. 

Attending a non-denominational Christian private school and an evangelical Southern Baptist Church in her youth had exposed her to thousands of verses that she'd either memorized or was at least very familiar with that could have been potential Life Verses.

And while lots of Bible verses had spoken to her at one time or another, none that she could think of that could be called a "Life Verse", a verse that resonated so much that it guided her mind and actions in any situation. 

She remembers getting cards from friends or family with a scripture reference (or several) written out next to their signature. She always wondered if she were to do that, could she really claim one or more verses as life altering, life guiding, life changing. Or would she just be going through the motions of the Christian version of what we now refer to as virtue signaling - signing off with a popular Bible verse because it's expected from an evangelical perspective (gotta spread that gospel) or proves she is being a good Christian. It felt false for her, so she rarely did it.

She has included Bible verses in some of her old blog posts, verses that spoke something to her situation, verses that helped illustrate, communicate, or support her message. But she never really thought, is this my Life Verse? 

Starting after Austin was born, after her "faith" was derailed, after she began seeking who and what God is in earnest, followed by all the questions: "What is life all about? What the heck is she doing here? What is her purpose? Why was she 'entrusted' with a medically complex child when she could barely keep her spiritual life on track before he came into her life? Should she ever have expectations? Will expectations always lead to disappointment? Does hope exist?"

Well, it dawned on her this week that throughout the past ten years, three verses have repeatedly come to mind and have guided her as she's asked these questions and sought their answers. 

For since the creation of the world God's invisible qualities--his eternal power and divine nature--have been clearly seen, being understood from what has been made, so that people are without excuse. Romans 1:20 NIV

Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. Matthew 7:7 NIV

For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind. 2 Timothy 1:7 NKJV

The actual references and even actual phrasing were not always remembered (she looked them up today because that's what good Christians do, they give the "address" and translation of the verse when quoting it so others can find it), but the gist of these three verses have come up again and again as she's made decisions about where to look for answers.

When she hiked or sat in a park or in her backyard, or in more recent years near the lake at the end of the dock, or when she had spiritual discussions with friends or family or observed actions she would consider beyond average, heroic even, the first verse would come to mind.

When she considered what book to read next or what podcast to listen to, which author or speaker might have something to speak to her mind or circumstances at the moment, what denomination or religion or belief system might point to an all encompassing truth, the second two verses would come to mind.

This explains why in the last ten years she has given herself permission to reach out to anything and everything with as open mind as she could for answers: 

• Because the Divine can be seen and understood in anything and everything she observes or experiences
• Because if she is seeking and asking, she can find answers in anything and everything
• Because if she doesn't give into fear, she can discern the truth in anything or everything

Before Austin she did not need to see God. She was continually told about him in church and in her Christian relationships. She accepted or "believed" that he must be true because all these people around her said so. She did not need to open her eyes and see it for herself.

Before Austin she did not need to seek or ask for anything. Again she accepted or believed what everyone else was saying was true. She assumed it was all going to plan.

Before Austin she feared reading or listening to anything outside what was approved by the church which would be primarily the Bible and approved Christian authors. She was taught to fear that she might be exposed to something that would cause her to question her acceptance and belief. The church made her fear that questioning or listening to another point of view might be a sin and undermine her faith in all the unseen things.

However after Austin, when her Christian teaching could not provide in its limited vocabulary or perspective the answers to all the questions, when the rote answer was "God is good...Lean into Christ...Cast all your cares...Have faith...", she was forced to trample fear (over and over she might add) and see what the rest of the "world" might tell her.

She needed a bigger vocabulary and different perspectives. She needed her own observations and experiences. She needed more anything and everything.

And let's just say "God" did not disappoint.

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If you read this far...do you have a Life Verse or Verses (Or let's say Life Quote if you have something that guides you from another source)? And would you mind sharing it with or without explanation in the comments? Curious minds need to know. TIA :)

Relative Suffering and Greatest Joys

She's been reading Tribe of Mentors: Short Life Advice from the Best in the World by Tim Ferriss and one of the most recommended books is Viktor Frankl's, Man's Search for Meaning. So she decided to go against her normal tendency of wanting to finish one thing before starting another and downloaded the ebook from her local library.

“To draw an analogy: a man's suffering is similar to the behavior of a gas. If a certain quantity of gas is pumped into an empty chamber, it will fill the chamber completely and evenly, no matter how big the chamber. Thus suffering completely fills the human soul and conscious mind, no matter whether the suffering is great or little. Therefore the "size" of human suffering is absolutely relative.

It also follows that a very trifling thing can cause the greatest of joys.”

― Viktor Emil Frankl, Man's Search for Meaning

Suffering is always on the forefront of her thoughts since she has become aware that life IS suffering so she is very interested in contemplating anything anyone has to say about it. And obviously as a concentration camp victim and survivor, Frankl should have some pretty good insight into suffering.

Sometimes she fills guilt when thinking what little trials she's experienced in life should be at all compared to what other's, like Frankl, have experienced and call it suffering. How could there be any comparison? How could she possibly think she has suffered at all? She expects Frankl, in sharing his experience, to tell her as much,

But he seems to confirm that we cannot experience life without some level of suffering whether big or small. At whatever level, we will experience it fully as if it were the hardest trial in the world until the next trial shows us we can actually suffer more. 

She's often wondered if she manufactures suffering in her mind, but maybe she needs to. Perhaps Frankl is right in stating that the size or amount of suffering is all relative, and that any sort of suffering helps us recognize the greatest joys. So maybe she's experiencing suffering or maybe she's imagining she's suffering. 

Maybe unconsciously she does this so she can recognize joy.

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As a mom to a medically complex kid like Austin, she worries that she has allowed or even forced him to experience suffering just by choosing to let him live in the first place; and then by choosing to use some of the medical interventions offered in today's day and age to facilitate his ability to go on living.

But if he has suffered, then according to Frankl, he has also been given the ability to experience great joy. He may cry out in pain or discomfort at times, but he also cries out with squeals of delight and laughter. 

And don't we all? 

HE is living.

WE are living.

Peas and Obligations

It began to get stronger around the first of the year. That old feeling of wanting to withdraw from everything, hide under the blankets. It's not constantly in the forefront. It comes and goes. But its always sitting there under the surface.

The feeling scares her. She knows she's supposed to fight it. She watched her mother succumb to it over and over until it was over.

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A while back she made the decision that she needed to simplify her self imposed obligations in order to not resent taking care of Austin. He's supposed to come first. He's the priority.

She dropped many things (attempting to make shooting a hobby, singing or playing the keyboard with the worship team, wanting to write something meaningful and getting it published - different from writing random thoughts for therapy on a personal blog) and she felt good about it. A relief really. 

Yet even after letting go of so many things, shooting, singing, writing, and even...posting every little boring piece of her life on the socials, there must be more to let go. Otherwise, why would she start spiraling over seemingly insignificant bumps in the road with her son. 

Like not having enough Gerber peas on the shelf when it came time to make his blended recipe last night.

When she realized they were lacking this ingredient at 9:00 pm, she felt a flood of guilt for not working out a time to go to the grocery store (she can't/won't take Austin) or getting the order into Amazon so the peas would be in the pantry, or at least on the doorstep. 

Obviously something took precedence. Something was more important. 

So here she is this morning reevaluating her life. Again. 

There's one large outside-of-the-family church related role that she wonders if she is supposed to let go. She wonders if she is supposed to be free of it, to let someone else take up the mantel. Maybe. 

But she's not sure how to walk away from it. She's invested so much time in it, and she does derive a small (large?) sense of pride and accomplishment when others seem grateful for her assistance in this role.

But maybe it's time. When she immerses herself in the related tasks, she has a hard time taking a break until it's done. It's one of those self imposed obligations to prove (to herself?) that she can manage this role and that she's good at it. 

That she's good at something outside the role of Austin's mom and caregiver (is she good at this role?...remember, no peas...).

She's supposed to make sure all of Austin's ingredients are on the shelf, or meds are in the bin, or diaper is changed before it's too full, or his position is changed before he gets skin abrasions or pressure spots, appointments are on the calendar and attended, therapies are appropriate and attended, etc. 

All of which are out of sight and out of mind when she gets focused on something else. 

So she wants out. Maybe. 

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Three days ago, she cheated on her very low carb diet and binged two days straight on Texas Roadhouse rolls, chicken fried chicken, fries, and lots of pizza. 

She's currently detoxing these poisons out of her body. 

That might explain this post. Maybe.

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“Crying is all right in its way while it lasts. But you have to stop sooner or later, and then you still have to decide what to do.” 

― C.S. Lewis, The Silver Chair