Thank You?

Alright. Who did it? Who prayed for me or sent me good ju-ju? Or was it some kind of cosmic group effort?

LAST NIGHT

Last night we were coming off a two day 18 hour drive to a point that we were about 2 hours out from home. A full moon lit the sky through wispy clouds; the two lane highway wound back and forth; the only lights besides the moon came from random oncoming headlights as well as our own high beams,  A John Grisham audiobook played through the bluetooth.

All had been peaceful for most of the two days, but then that cough crashed through the peace from the back seat. That cough Austin does when he tries to swallow and it doesn't go right. That typically PTSD-inducing, adrenaline rushing, chills up the spine and tightening in the gut cough.

I reached behind my seat, turned on the suction machine and picked up the Yankauer. Just as I was sliding it into the side of his mouth, he jerked his head, gagged, and then power spit all over my hand and wrist. 

Meanwhile, I continued to try to suction what I could so he didn't aspirate too much of it.

When he seemed ok and was back to half-smiling at Go Diego again, I replaced the Yankauer in it's slot, turned off the suction machine, grabbed a blue rag, wiped off my hand and arm, and calmly said, "He puked on my arm" as we continued to listen to the novel.

I did not feel that race of adrenaline, the feeling of despair and the deluge of thoughts like, "no, not again!" I did not rehearse through my head all the past times this has happened or play the reel of all the future times it might happen. 

I wiped off my hand, and we continued with the drive, listening to the audiobook while I tried to remember not to put my puked-on left hand up to my face. There was almost no thoughts which meant there was no emotional reaction which meant an answer to a Big Ask.

I have been asking, no begging, the powers-that-be that while the swallow problem is not resolved, then at least, can I just not react in a way that puts me into a grief or depression type spiral or in a way that makes me angry or resentful for days on end. I just want to be like, ok, this is happening, how do I deal with it right now.

And I did. I don't know how it happened or why. Exhaustion? I wanted to hear what was next on the audiobook? All I know is that I was more than a little amazed at my non-reaction. In fact, I think my husband refrained from saying anything because he didn't want to jinx it. 

THIS MORNING

This morning I was reading one of my, I guess you could call it, "self-help" books. Basically another person's perspective on how to approach life so I can continue to, well...choose life.

As I was finishing up a chapter, nothing I hadn't heard or read before, just another version of something similar, I felt like a switch flipped. It felt like, "I got it". 

I'm not even sure what "I got", but it felt like a glimpse of an answer; like it's going to be an attainable solution. Like, I don't know...like HOPE. 

And that transitioned into a great, positive mood for the whole morning. A mood that made me want to listen to music to match to keep it going. A mood that drove me to do chores I hadn't planned on doing today because I knew getting them done would feed this good feeling. And obviously a mood that made me want to write about it.

So that' it. I got to ride the good time bus again today, and I wanted to tell someone thank you. 

Perhaps it's you.

I didn't take a picture of the moon and road last night - regrets.
So here's  a random different road picture I took.